I will begin to say that, I know I’m lucky. Today, with the perspective of the present, and history in the past, I know I’m lucky. I’m not ungrateful, today, for the progress I made in the past. But living through it in the past wasn’t always as straight forward.
I, in a lot of ways, had (have?) the transition many dream about. My boobs grew, fast, my face changed, butt started popping into existence, that kind of things.
So what’s the problem here? I wasn’t prepared for that, and from the perspective of the past, I was terrified. I thought I’d have a year before anything noticeable started happening, because that was the experiences of everyone transfem around me. I thought I’d have a year, maybe two, to settle into the new endocrine system, feel it out before anything really permanent happened, see “does this make me feel better?” before any “am I looking better” happened. I didn’t know, when I started, that this was right. It was a guess, made in desperation.
Today I know, and I’m happy for my progress, but at the time, this was scary.
So if everything’s fine now, why am I talking about this? Because I didn’t hear anyone say it when I could’ve used someone with similar experiences. I’m not trying to downplay anyone’s struggle, I’m just trying to be a voice for those who had the complete opposite experience from what people warned them would happen, and who thinks that’s scary.
I feel there needs to be someone to guide those people, as there are however many people helping to guide those who struggle with the opposite problem. I know I’m privileged, but there was a time I was struggling, and I don’t feel people in that position are undeserving of support.
With that out of the way. What happened to me? I, more or less, got boobs over night. Well, it was like 2 months, but it felt like over night. After 3 months I had something that was visible through clothes, after 9 months, I had 36C-cups that, today, I wouldn’t consider a bad result if they stopped growing at that point. The issue is, I realized I was on the right track after 5 months-ish. So I had a couple of months of “Wait, I have boobs, do I even want boobs? I thought I’d have more time to think?!?!?!?”
But I honestly, didn’t really allow myself to express that worry. I was acutely aware that what was happening to me, was something many people dreamed of, but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have anywhere to go and talk about it really. cis people, most of the time, don’t get trans stuff on a level where support in something like this is something they can offer. I didn’t feel comfortable going to those who struggled with too little growth about my freakout, I felt like a rich person, freaking out about having lots of money, and then going to poor people being like “HELP WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY!?”, it felt COMPLETELY disrespectful and dismissive of their struggles. So I kept to myself, not only that, I buried it. I stopped thinking about it, and when I eventually got my partners, I had forgotten that I wasn’t 100% on board with all these changes yet, so they didn’t even know until after the fact.
And, this I feel could be dangerous. Because if these insecurities had pointed to something like “oh fuck, this… this is wrong!”, suppressing them could’ve been catastrophic. I’m lucky that it turned out well in the end. But if you’re reading this, and you’re in a similar position, you’re okay to be insecure. This is new, this is scary, and it’s okay to not know everything. Experimentation is how we learn a lot of things. It’s okay to experiment, it’s okay to be wrong, it’s okay to be insecure, it’s okay to be certain.
But, what’s dangerous is not allowing yourself to think, to feel that your insecurities are invalid, and push them aside. If you don’t allow yourself to process your insecurities into “Oh this is right” or “Oh this is wrong”, you’re playing a gamble with higher stakes than they need to be. The earlier you allow yourself to think and realize whether your experiment is right or wrong, whether your insecurities are unfounded or pointing to some problem with your current path, the less you’ll have to deal with if you’re wrong and wanna go back. The more confident you’ll be going forward if you can shake those insecurities and be confident in your true self. Suppressing insecurities makes your life worse, regardless if you’re correct or incorrect.
That being said, you don’t have to know the ANSWER immediately. Sometimes answers eludes us, feel like smoke where we can see an outline but no substance. And that’s okay, keep looking, trying different approaches talk to people around you that you trust and ask for advice. You don’t have to know the answers, but thinking about it as early as possible is important.
It’s okay to be insecure, even if it’s about something that everyone around you seem to desire. You may do well not going to those who struggle with the opposite issue you have for support, I still feel that may be a bit insensitive to their struggles, but you can find support elsewhere. Transmasc people won’t really feel envious of you having quick breast growth, and a lot of them can relate because a lot of the time, transmasc bottom growth come as an early surprise and can be scary.
Your perspective doesn’t make you invalid. You’re not disregarding other people’s struggles just for HAVING the insecurities. And there are spaces, and people, who can help you, even if it may seem like asking those who struggle with the opposite for support is rather dismissive and mean.